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"Mmm... Calf Meat..."
posted January 31, 2007 @12:32a
She warned me, "this thing makes me nervous."

With a grimaced face, I replied, "what? A golf cart makes you nervous?" I paused to give her time to answer, but she just nervously rubbed her hands against one another and stared blankly at the empty vehicle. I was more worried about getting wind burn in this cold weather than having an accident. "You can't do much damage in a golf cart," I said. Then I added, in a mildly sarcastic tone, "I really think it'll be okay."

The golf cart was parked at the summit of the hill leading to the garage, just after the terrain began to level out. The front headlights beamed into the garage door; the back faced the beginning of the hill. The hill sloped for about 80 yards before it leveled out again in the middle of the road. She sat in the driver's seat, and I sat on the back of the cart, gazing down the hill. I mentally prepared myself for the cold wind I was about to receive.

The vehicle tried to go forward towards the door, then stopped suddenly. A few seconds passed. Again, like a horse bucking, the cart jumped towards the garage door. Frustrated, she said, "I can't get it in reverse."

"Is it started?" I asked, peacefully and uncaringly as I looked around the property.

"Yes. It's started. I.... oh, here we go..."

As much as one can, I braced my face for that cold winter gush. Right she was - there we went. Slowly, like a roller coaster nudging over that first big slope, we began our trip towards the bottom of the hill. After we gained some momentum, I heard some exaggerated movement from the driver's seat. She stated to me, calmly, but very concerned, "I don't have brakes. I can't stop."

Of course I laughed pretty hysterically, because I figured I was about to go on the ride of my life, only backwards. Honestly, I assumed she was joking with me, as she had already made a really big deal about her golf-cart-apprehension. I figured she'd try to fake me out for a second, then give me a cheesey "just kidding!" But she, however, didn't laugh. In fact, she found no humor in the situation whatsoever. She spoke again. But this time, it was very stern and almost yell-like, "SIR. I'm NOT KIDDING. I don't have breaks!"

As it happens to all of us in an emergency situation, I had several thoughts go through my mind in the matter of three seconds. I thought, "well... my right knee kinda hurts today already. If I do a crash-landing-combination-roll when we wreck, and I do all the landing on my right knee, maybe it'll do the least amount of damage. Besides, I may have to get surgery on that knee already. Okay. That'll work. Wait... I've had bicycle accidents on asphalt before. And I've fallen at the ice rink. That stuff hurts. And burns. I'm thirsty. We're heading towards a road with moving cars. Great. What a stupid way to die."

But then, without fully planning, I threw the lower half of my body from the cart. I surmised that if I performed a negative-Fred-Flintstone-type move, pushing the seat backwards and back up the hill with my hands, I may be able to save the day.

It didn't do anything.

So I hopped back on the cart a moment to rethink. With my feet, I tried the exact same thing again; only this time, I pushed my lower back into the horizontal pole on the rear of the cart. That move had pretty much the same result, only I got the added bonus of a pain in my lower back. As another car passed through on the road we were heading towards, I thought, "one last time, and it has to work. Or I could possibly pass away. On a golf cart. With a woman who's afraid of golf carts." So I threw my feet on the ground, then wedged the calf-meat on the back of my legs up under the cart.

That actually worked. We stopped. She put the cart back in the forward gear and drove us back up to the top of the hill. With a big smile, she thanked me.

I learned an important lesson today. The next time someone utters the phrase, "this thing makes me nervous," run from that person as fast as you can.


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