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"The Airport Bathroom"
posted December 13, 2005 @2:25p
 
Just about everyone has someone in their life they wish they'd never met. Maybe it was that best friend that betrayed you horribly or that ex- that caused you pain... most people have at least one person.

My list is a very short one; but this weekend, it grew by one.

I have to give you a fact before I continue: So far in my life I've never had to pee on a plane, and I've even flown more than 5000 miles in a day. It's a record for which I'm fairly proud. Tell your friends.

So I went to Dallas this weekend, and had a stop in Atlanta. Before the plane ride, I always force myself go to the bathroom about five times in the hour before boarding to ensure my fancy lifetime record.

The nearest bathroom to my gate is one of those split down the middle with a wall divider. On one side is a set of urinals and sinks. On the other, a set of urinals and stalls. The first three trips, I opt for the sink side.

On the fourth trip, I opt for the sink side again. As I'm performing the task at hand, I hear noises coming from the other side of the bathroom. It's a man's voice, and it's really familar for some reason. It's like quick little moans. Who makes sounds like that? Ohhhh, I remember.

It's Goatboy.

If you don't know Goatboy, he's the SNL character that Jim Breuer made famous.

So I'm standing there listening to Goatboy, doing my best not to laugh. For those of you who don't know, smiling is prohibited in the guy's bathroom, much less laughing out loud. The sounds are hilarious, but I manage to make it out without breaking the rule. Barely.

Admittedly I was very curious, but there's another rule in the guy's bathroom: Don't go exploring.

A few minutes later, I go back to the bathroom for my final visit. This time the sink side is full of people and action, so I choose the other. It's no fun to go in a crowd.

As I'm once again performing the task at hand, one of the stalls bursts open. Out walks this sweaty guy that looks like a stand-in for a castmember of the Sopranos.

He stares at me with a confused look as he walks by. I notice, and look away twice in hopes that he won't stare anymore.

You don't stare in the guy's bathroom.

I look back at him one more time and discover something disgusting. He's got nasty, gravy-colored puke running down his chin. That's when I realize who I'm looking at.

Welcome to my list, Goatboy.




 
 


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