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"My Apologies to Satan"
posted January 4, 2006 @7:02p
 
I chased a murderer down (alleged) and made him give me my money.

$80, to be exact.

His name was Breaker, and he ran from me. He ran from me, then he hid. He hid precisely because he owed me money. So I hunted him down and made him pay up.

...Sometimes when I start telling a story, I sound completely delusional. Even to myself. But it really did happen that way...

I was driving with some friends in my 1977 VW Rabbit, about to make a left turn. I didn't have a signal light, so I followed standard traffic law and stuck my arm straight out the driver's side window to let everyone know I was turning.

But MY signal had one difference. It had one enhancement that made it stand apart from all others. It was fancied up. With my hand, I would make a fist. Then I'd open up my fist completely to make my hand flat. I repeated this over and over to give the illusion of a blinker. I know what you're thinking: GENIUS. Me, too.

But sometimes really big smart stuff don't turn out too good.

So I was in the road, with my "blinker" on, waiting for traffic to clear so I could make my turn. Of course, when traffic clears I started to turn.

I never got to make that turn.

The driver behind me mistook my blinker for me waiving him by, passing my car on the left side. Now I'm sure you've seen the universal "go around" motion. You stick your arm straight out the driver's side window with your hand completely flat. Then you flip your hand over repeatedly, as if turning over flapjacks.

Well my BLINKER involved a FIST, which has never been incorporated into the "go around" signal. Clearly, I was in the right.

So as I was turning left, he was driving around the car, thinking that's what I wanted him to do. Needless to say, my driver's side door was ruined, along with a chunk of the body. My beloved 1977 VW Rabbit was ruined. And I was mad. So I jumped out of the Rabbit and began to make my way toward this driver, who apparently knew NOTHING of hand signals, to give him a piece of my mind.

Then HE stepped out of the car.

He was HUGE. He was ANGRY. He had a FU MAN CHU. He wore flip-flops that were paper-thin (due to his huge-ness). He was bald, except for one big misplaced RAT TAIL that shot right out of the side of his head.

He didn't seem right.

At this point, I was no longer upset about my car. You'd think I'd be a little scared, but that wasn't the case either. In situations that might pose danger, I'm always looking for something funny... So after seeing this character, I was hoping this would prove to be the most comical wreck I'd ever been involved in.

So he started toward me, red-faced and cussing like a crazy-bald-fu-man-chu-wearing-rat-tail man always does. It took everything I had not to just burst into laughter from the absurdity.

Once he calmed down, I explained my hand signal enhancement (the blinker). He wasn't buying it until a passing officer's car turned around to see what was the matter.

He kinda freaked a little bit, then said, "My name is Breaker, I'm a professional wrestler. I'll handle this. Don't worry, I'll pay you for the damage. Let me do all the talking."

So I filled Breaker's request. When the officer approached, Breaker explained that we were just friends, stopping to talk. The big dent in my car, the skid marks, the broken glass - they had nothing to do with anything. We just wanted to hang out and catch up a little.

Somehow, the officer accepted this explanation and left the scene. But then so did Breaker. He jumped in his car and raced off.

Well... me and my friends didn't take too kindly to people who fake-pay for stuff and drive away in a hurry. So after hunting a few hours, with one stop at Andrew's house to eat and sing Beatles songs around the piano (naturally), we found him. Breaker was hiding at a motel called The Mercury Court, bound and determined to keep from paying me.

But after seeing Breaker The Red-Faced Giant, nobody was willing to accompany me to his door. So I had to go it alone.

After much negotiation, he doubled his initial offer of $40 to make it a cool $80. The negotiation took an hour, so out of frustration and ignorance, I accepted his offer.

Then he paid up.

This week, I heard from a friend of mine involved in the incident. He gave me this information from a fairly recent news story about Breaker:

Breaker "was arrested yesterday in [edited place], charged with [a 1990s] double murder of [an attourney] and her [spouse]... After leaving prison, he hooked up with [wrestling]... away from the ring, [he] had led a [troubled life] and he ran with the [a motorcyle gang with 'Satan' in its name]. Police say that [Breaker] was the president of [that club]... [He] has been charged with [2] counts of first-degree murder [plus] [2] counts of conspiracy to commit murder."

Man.

So I chased a murderer down (alleged) and made him pay me $80.

Man.

I posted a photo of Breaker in The Underground if you want to see what he looked like near the time of the accident, minus that offset rat tail.

To Breaker, friends of Breaker or any members of his [motorcyle gang with 'Satan' in its name]: This story is in no way meant to offend Breaker, bikers, wrestlers in general, or Satan. Please do not hurt me.

 
 


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