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"Super Bowl Sunday"
posted February 5, 2006 @9:46p
 
I am a girly man.

Well... not so much a girly man, as if I'm feminine; it's just that I don't have that much in common with most guys, particularly when it comes to watching sports. And that fact, most guys will tell you, makes me a girly man, by definition.

For 355 or so days out of the year, I'm able to hide many aspects of my girly-manishness. When the topic of say... baseball, for instance, comes up, I just change the subject to the amount of hair I have on my knuckles, or how I can eat an entire stick of butter like a candy bar. I'm pretty good at keeping my cover.

But the hardest days are the ones surrounding some sort of playoff. And today, Super Bowl Sunday, is the mother of all man days. Or should I say the father of all man days? Either way, it's almost impossible to remain incognito.

If one doesn't exist, there should be a test for measuring a man's manliness. It could be set up like one of those magazine quizzes in Vogue or Cosmopolitan, where a positive or negative point value is given to different scenarios. You total all the points and check your score. Zero is average, positive is manly and negative is girly.

The fact that I know about girly magazine quizzes:
-2 points.

So first of all, I start the day not realizing it's any different than any other Sunday of the year (-4 points). I roll outta bed and look for anything edible in the kitchen, which includes Nerds from last Halloween, moldy bread, Milk Duds and some three-week-old pizza (+3 points). It's almost lunchtime, so I take a shower (+1 point for lateness) before I leave to find some good food.

On the way, a friend calls and wants me to meet up with her to go shopping for her boyfriend's birthday (-1 point). It's gonna be about an hour before she's ready, and I'm STARVING. So I go to Sam's Club to walk around and get free samples to stave off my hunger (+2 points).

We go to a restaurant, and I see an advertisement on the door for food specials during the game - I finally realize it's Super Bowl Sunday (-2 points). I order a hamburger, medium rare (+3 points), with cheese and bacon (+1 point), but on the side (-1 point). With a cherry Sprite (-1 point).

As I'm eating, I notice the stuffed head of some animal on the wall. It looks like a rabbit, but with... horns? Or would that be antlers? Is there a rabbit with antlers? And is it so vicious and impossible to kill that it's head should be ripped off at the neck, stuffed and displayed at the place I'm eating? I don't hunt, so I'm really not sure how that works (-2 points). I ask my friend if it's a jackalope (-1 point). She laughs at me (-1 point).

While spending the next few hours at the mall (-2 points), I'm not even barely tempted to buy anything, or even try anything on (+2 points). At one point, another female friend recognizes me from across one of the stores, yells my name and runs towards me for a hug (+1 point). She jumps on me and knocks the wind out of me a little (-3 point). I tell her she knocked the wind out of me a little (-1 point).

Endlessly looking for places to sit at the mall makes me crave ice cream, so I demand that we go get some (+1 point). I order the kid's scoop (-2 points). My tiny friend orders FIVE scoops (-2 points).

I go to a Super Bowl Party, and it's the first one I've ever been to (-2 points). I've never watched a game of football on television in my life (-5 points). Someone asks me who I'd like to see win, and I ask who's playing (-3 points). Shortly after the game starts, a girl asks me what it means when the official sticks his fist in the air and grabs his wrist, and I tell her I'm pretty sure it means "broken wrist" (-2 points).

After doing my best to figure out what's going on with all the wrist-grabbing and flag-throwing, my boredom requires that I find something better to do (-1 point).

I've still never watched a game of football on television in my life (-5 points).

Without taking time to add up all the points, it's pretty obvious I'm well into the negative.

I am a girly man.

Maybe takings steps though, such as going to Super Bowl parties and admiring stuffed animal heads will help me to appear to be more like a normal guy. And maybe the fact that I'm willing to admit to my girly-manishness actually makes me more of man. Regardless, I'm too busy to think about that right now. I have to go wash my face and prepare my bubble bath.



 
 


comments
Hey there is nothing wrong with being a girly man lol I tell everyone that I have the perfect man cause he don't watch sports he don't like to hunt or do any of the so called man things and I love him even more for that. cause that just means that he spends more time with me and i am not having to compete with superbowl or any other manly things So kudos to you for being a girly man

posted by Melissa on 2/4/2008 @6:11:53 AM
  (#335)

(reply)
Hmm... Maybe there's a positive side to my story...

posted by Jason Wells on 2/4/2008 @7:42:41 AM
that is awesome and so funny you sound just like my man

posted by Melissa on 2/4/2008 @6:14:38 AM
  (#336)

(reply)
Thank you. He sounds like he's probably awesome.

posted by Jason Wells on 2/4/2008 @7:44:18 AM
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