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"Dr. Evil, Please Drive Safely"
posted June 21, 2006 @1:02a
 
I passed a car on the street today with a rear window that read, in big letters, "Please Drive Safely." The car was a company car belonging to a business that sells caskets. They sell CASKETS. They sell caskets, and they want me to drive safely?

No, they don't.

That's not gonna be good for business. That's not gonna be good for anybody.

I've never been very afraid of people, and I've always done my best to represent my true feelings and beliefs with my words. It's gotten me in trouble in the past, and more often than not I'm grossly misunderstood. People get angry, make assumptions, and take actions, all without any clarification from me.

You'd think that making people upset would stop me from speaking my mind... but you'd be wrong.

For those of you that have read my updates in the past, you may remember the character in my life that I referred to as Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel hates my guts. Luckily, since he does hate my guts so much, I've been able to avoid him for awhile. He goes his way, I go mine. I can't stand drama, so I've been able to go about my day, accomplishing what needs to be accomplished, with no drama.

The situation has changed.

There's only one thing worse that having to spend time with someone that hates your guts, and that's having to spend time with the sidekick of someone that hates your guts.

Yes, Vin has found a trusty sidekick.

Generally, sidekicks are known to aspire to be like their leaders, but they never quite get it right. The real Vin Diesel is strong, commanding and quite bald; with this in mind, we'll call his sidekick... Dr. Evil.

I thought that Vin Diesel's desire to see my death was strong, but it's nothing compared to Dr. Evil's. And Dr. Evil just so happens to be one of these guys that thrives from belittling others. Coupled with that, he's also absolutely impossible to please. So just being in his presence is setting yourself up for failure and public humiliation.

Yeah, it's as fun as it sounds.

I'm going to use an analogy to describe a situation that just occurred between Dr. Evil and me.

Dr. Evil called me and my companions to a meeting. He assigned us all to a task: each day, we shall each bring him a honeybun for breakfast. So, doing my best to perform his requested task, the next day, I bring him a honeybun. For some reason, this angers him, so he takes me aside privately and instructs me to bring him two honeybuns. The new instructions are just for me, not for my companions. It's strange to me that I have different instructions, but I ignore that fact and move on.

So the next day, everyone brings him a honeybun except for me, and I bring him two honeybuns, just as he requested. Somehow, this makes him even more angry. So he takes me aside again. This time, he tells me that I was never instructed to bring him two honeybuns. I was supposed to bring him a cupcake. And not just any cupcake, a homemade chocolate cupcake with dark chocolate icing.

The following morning, some of my companions bring him a honeybun, some don't. But, according to his request, I bring him his cupcake. This time, his anger is unbearable, and he pulls me to the side yet again. He yells, "this cupcake stuff isn't cutting it! You'll bring me a made-from-scratch yellow cake every morning precisely at 9:00am Eastern Standard Time. You will present this cake to me privately, saying, 'you are the greatest and I wish to be just like you someday.' And by the way, just so you know, I hate you, I hate your mom, and your grandmother is the ugliest woman on the face of the earth."

Thank you, Dr. Evil.

Frustrated, that night, I purchase a cake factory.

The following morning, at 9:00am sharp, I publicly and proudly present the cake. I present it in front of my companions, along with the words he requested. This time, none of the others bring his honeybuns; but he doesn't care about the others following his special requests. But since the others saw that I had to follow a different set of commands than theirs, he acts surprised in front of them, as if he'd never given the orders to me.

I don't care that he acts surprised. In fact, in order to please him, I have his special cake delivered to him every hour, on the hour, along with my compliments and a crisp $100 bill. I think that maybe, just MAYBE, going above and beyond his commandment would make him happy and stop the drama.

It did not.

He instructs the others to find bats and other blunt objects. Then he has them beat my face in.

I've always done my best to represent my true feelings and beliefs with my words. But for the remainder of today, I will ignore my instincts and not say what I truly feel.

Dr. Evil, please drive safely.



 
 


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