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"Wife Beater"
posted October 27, 2009 @12:04a
The bailiff pointed at me, and, scolding me with a look of disgust, said, "there's no talking in court." But it's not like I was speaking loudly. In fact, I had only spoken one word. Is one word really something to get that worked up about? I was sitting on the front row, not having noticed that I was being watched so closely by the official court shush-er. I changed the location of my hands to be just in front of my chest - touching the fingertips of my right hand lightly to the fingertips of my left - and whispered one word: "eeeexxxcellent."

Is a Montgomery Burns impression really considered "talking in court?"

Not in my book.

For the record: I was in traffic/misdemeanor court as an obligation to somebody. Thankfully, I didn't have to speak to the judge... who just so happened to be the spitting image of a young Mr. Burns from the "The Simpsons." But I definitely stood out like a sore thumb. Sure - my hair and face look like they belong to a hippie troublemaker that should be going on trial; but it's not like I was wearing a wife beater.

I recently went to a Paul McCartney concert at the Redskins' stadium outside of Washington, DC. In case you weren't aware - I've admired The Beatles as long as I can remember, and that's at least five years. We were on the third row from the stage (yes, THIRD), and the experience rates in my list of top musical experiences ever. It was incredible. But at the end of the show, something interesting happened: the last thing that Sir Paul did before he left the stage - and I have a witness to this - is point at me, wink, and then give me the "thumbs up."

Over the past few days, I've realized that there are many artists and musicians to which I feel some sort of connection. It's almost like I know Paul McCartney. But I don't. I'm sure that's something that nearly everybody experiences, but I'd never given it much thought.

Since I tend to analyze things, I've been mulling this phenomenon over pretty heavily.

Why do I like these people that I've never even met?

I like Thom Yorke because he's always there when I need him. Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David are always poised to make me laugh at myself. John Lennon's hand is hovering above his guitar, ready to move. Jason Bateman plans to use his dry sense of humor next time I see him, and Bill Murray will make my day just by showing up.

When it comes to my experiences with these artists, they are completely consistent. I know exactly what to expect each and every time. And I don't see how they can ever do anything to hurt me personally. That's why I like them.

You know... there were signs that warned me not to use my cell phone in that courtroom. There were signs regarding the prohibition of weapons. There were signs that directed me to the restrooms. But how was I to know that my speaking would cause such a reaction? Had he personally approached me BEFORE I talked - sharing the pain he was going to feel when a word left my mouth - I would have known better.

If you're about to make a self-destructive decision, and someone you care about approaches you, warning, "if you do this, you're really going to hurt me," then just don't do it.

Suck it up. Take one for the team. Keep your respect and dignity. Don't hurt people.


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